While many people parsed the document to determine what type of punishment Commissioner Adam Silver could dole out to Donald Sterling, I immediately jumped to the part that explained how I could fulfill my life long dream of owning an NBA team, or at least receive a rejection letter from that NBA that I can frame and put in my office.

First, under Article 4(a), I have to “make a written application to the Commissioner specifying the city that the applicant wishes to represent in the Association.”  I love you Northeast Minneapolis, but Las Vegas here I (and my team) come!

Next, in clause (b), I’m told that “the Association shall have no obligation to consider any application that is submitted under this Article.”  No problem.  Once they hear that I’ve won dozens of titles as a GM on the NBA2k video game series, something tells me they are going to consider my application.  Plus the Commissioner and I went to the same law school, so I’m pretty sure we’d be tight if we ever met.

Clause (c) says that I have to agree to be bound by the NBA’s rules.  Unless there are rules against perming your hair, wearing track suits every day, and sporting gold chains so big that even Mr. T would be ashamed, I think I’m good here.

Under clause (d), I need to be “approved by the affirmative vote of not less than three-fourths (3/4)” of the owners already in the league.  I like to pride myself on my ability to, in the words of Jalen Rose, champagne and campaign, so three-fourths doesn’t seem like much of a barrier if I can get in a room with these guys.  After all, they did let Donald Sterling stay in the league for three decades.

That leaves only one clause, so sorry duetskateers, but it looks like my blogging days are over.  Let’s see:  clause (e) says that “each application for Membership shall be accompanied by a certified check in the amount of $1,000,000 (the ‘Application Fee’).”

Well then.  Steve, it looks like I’m going to need to insist on getting paid for these posts and I’m going to need a salary advance.  Don’t worry, it’s for a good cause.