During the holidays, families spend time together observing religious, secular, and other personal traditions. For parents living together with their children, planning where everyone should be and when can already be a headache. So, for families where the parents are divorced or separated, this time of year is especially challenging, bringing not only a flurry of snow, but a flurry of phone calls and texts in an attempt to figure out everyone’s plans. To avoid a holiday headache resulting in bitterness, and move toward holiday harmony, the best place to start is to think practically.
When parents divorce or separate, the court enters what is called a “decree of dissolution of marriage.” Essentially, this is a court order specifying which parent gets the children when, where, and for how long. Much thought goes into this process to ensure children have time with both parents during the holidays. For example, some schedules divide Christmas into two twelve-hour time periods, while other schedules call for swapping Christmas Day in even and odd years. This is why reading and rereading your decree is exceptionally important. By following the decree, children avoid their parents putting them in the middle of a frosty fight and their parents get to relax by a roaring fire.
Sometimes parents reach an informal agreement deviating from the schedule located in the decree. This often happens because the children and parents have changing needs, the children prefer different schedules, or travel arrangements make the schedule in the decree difficult to follow. When parents co-parent – doing what is best for their children – by making alternative arrangements for holidays and other parenting time, lawyers and judges celebrate with a cold glass of milk and warm cookies; it is the season after all.
Although the goal is to keep this peaceful, you cannot control the actions of your co-parent. Documenting what you agree upon through text message or e-mail is a great way to ensure the children and co-parents are not blinded by the flickering holiday lights or the reindeer flying above.
Not seeing your children on an important holiday is far from easy. Some parents bring everyone together to celebrate. While this just might sound like you have enjoyed too much eggnog, it works! Some parents arrange to have everyone at one place, such as a hotel or resort so it is neutral ground for everyone. Other parents rotate hosting the children and their co-parents. This shows unity between parents and confirms to their children that their well-being comes before all else.
Remember, the best way to enjoy the holiday season is to follow your decree. The court entered this order for a reason – to keep the peace. If you are certain that you and your co-parent have the ability to change schedules or spend the holidays together, get it in writing. All of this leads to more harmonious holidays.
