What a maroon.

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One of the oldest tricks in the book for trying to foil a drug test is to get someone else's "clean" sample of urine and substitute it for your own, "dirty," sample.

There's only one problem with that trick -- the testing facilities are all onto it. And have been since, roughly, 1993. It's standard operating procedure for the testing facility to check the temperature of the sample. If the sample is room temperature instead of 98.6 degrees, they know you've probably "substituted."

If these employees put half as much effort into doing their jobs and staying off drugs as they put into trying to defeat a drug test . . . 

Well, you know the rest. The next wave of cheating involved taking the too-cool, substituted sample, and putting it in the microwave it to "nuke" it up to the proper temperature. A great idea, except that microwaves work really fast, so the temperature of the sample would be more like 200 degrees instead of 98.6. They also don't heat evenly, so you might get a cup of liquid that's boiling around the outer edges and room temperature in the middle.

"This sample is too cold," said Goldilocks. "And this sample is too hot. Did somebody nuke it?"

Which brings us to our story. Angelique Sanchez was sent by a prospective employer for a drug test in Aurora, Colorado, and on her way to the testing facility, she stopped at a nearby 7-Eleven. Ms. Sanchez put something in one of the microwaves. The store clerk reported hearing a "loud bang," and saw Ms. Sanchez looking at the microwave. Ms. Sanchez then walked out the door. The clerk then noticed "yellow liquid dripping from the microwave and the smell was unquestionably urine." The clerk apparently caught Ms. Sanchez in the parking lot and told her that she'd better clean it up or the clerk would call the cops. Ms. Sanchez wiped the urine out of the microwave "onto the floor," and the clerk called the cops. According to the police officer who arrested her,

“When I reminded her that urine blew up where people prepare their food, she told me it was not real urine." 

(Emphasis added.) Well, then! No prob!

Ms. Sanchez was charged with damaging the microwave at the 7-Eleven, which the police said was worth about $500. The arresting officer then called the drug testing facility and told them that Ms. Sanchez shouldn't be tested for drugs that day.

(Does that mean she got the job?)

Image Credit: Goldilocks and three bears sock puppets from flickr, Creative Commons license, by GlueGunGlory.