Being a lawyer is undoubtedly demanding, but the challenges multiply exponentially when you add the responsibility of caring for a child with special needs. For women lawyers juggling these dual roles, finding balance and maintaining focus can seem almost impossible (I say this from experience). However, strategies and support systems can help us thrive both professionally and personally. As the first article in this series explained, I have an almost 12.5-year-old pubescent son with Angelman Syndrome (deletion-positive variation). My purpose in writing this article is to offer practical tips to help other women lawyers of special needs children navigate the unique and heightened demands of their careers and families.
Flexibility is Your Friend
The legal profession is known for its difficult schedules and high-pressure environment, more so for women, generally, and most certainly for women lawyers who are mothers. As the Legal Careers of Parents and Child Caregivers: Results and Best Practices From a National Study of the Legal Profession, published by the ABA Commission on Women in the Profession in October 2023, verified, mothers in the legal profession “are far more likely than fathers to encounter negative experiences at work, including disparaging comments, lower compensation, and fewer advancement opportunities.” https://www.abajournal.com/web/article/new-aba-report-shows-urgent-need-to-support-female-lawyers-with-children (last visited April 8, 2024); see also Legal Careers of
Parents and Child Caregivers: Results and Best Practices From a National Study of the Legal Profession (last visited April 8, 2024). Specifically, as women lawyers know, mothers “are far more likely to handle family responsibilities. Sixty-five percent (65%) of mothers reported arranging childcare, and 47% said they leave work for their children’s needs. Only 7% and 17%, respectively, of fathers said they take on these responsibilities. https://www.abajournal.com/web/article/new-aba-report-shows-urgent-need-to-support-female-lawyers-with-children (last visited April 8, 2024); see also Legal Careers of Parents and Child Caregivers: Results and Best Practices From a National Study of the Legal Profession (last visited April 8, 2024).
I can only imagine what a similar survey of mothers, specifically of special needs children in the legal profession, would show. (My research did not reveal any such survey completed by the ABA or any other legal professional or educational organization). With this said, I can attest that you can carve out a more accommodating path and use that alternate path to help you advocate better for your special needs child. One option is to take the daunting leap to start your own practice to give you more flexibility to be more available to tend to your child(ren)’s plethora of additional medical, school-related, and, possibly, government-benefit related needs. Another option is, as I did, to change your career path from an entirely different practice area (public criminal and capital defense for a combined 10 years) to an area of civil law, which enables you to continue to support those less fortunate while also learning skills and knowledge to better advocate for your special needs child(ren). Another option is to take your legal skills to another profession entirely. For example, a Board member of a national organization for my son’s disability is a female lawyer and mother of a child who has my son’s syndrome.
Other options include negotiating alternative work arrangements with your employer, such as flexible hours or telecommuting. Utilize technology to stay connected and productive outside the traditional office setting, such as videoconferencing, collaborative software for shared projects, and secure messaging platforms for communication. These options, quite thankfully, have become commonplace since the COVID-19 Pandemic (through which, quite unfortunately, we women lawyers of special needs children had to navigate for ourselves, our neurotypical child(ren), our special needs children, and, let’s admit it, our spouses/life partners, in many instances).
Build a Strong Support Network
As lawyers, many of us (I own it) want to excel and do everything on our own. I’ve learned over the years, not just because of Nicholas (as forthcoming articles in this series will show), that no one can do it alone. Surround yourself with a network of trusted colleagues and members of national organizations who understand the challenges you’re facing. Don’t be afraid to reach out to other women lawyers with special needs children for advice and shared experiences. A colleague at my Firm is one of my most significant sources of advice and shared experiences. The “Law Moms of Kids with Disabilities” Facebook group is a fantastic resource and source of solace. They can provide invaluable insights and emotional support. I also have found important advocacy resources for my son through informal groups, such as those on Facebook and other social media sites, as well as formal national organizations for his specific syndrome. Both avenues have helped connect me to other lawyer mothers in different states with a child affected by the same syndrome as my son.
You may learn of resources – including Community Disability Medicaid Waiver services and funding – available to your special needs child(ren), regardless of your personal income and assets. For example, this exists in my State – Virginia – and has been invaluable to ensure we can have attendants to care for Nicholas at home after school/on non-school days since traditional daycare settings have been unable to meet his needs since he was six years old and now that he would have aged out of conventional daycares by age 12. As all my fellow mother lawyers of special needs children also know, ordinary insurance does not pay for habilitative (initial learning of new skills) versus rehabilitative (relearning prior learned skills) therapies. I don’t know about the special needs children of those reading this, but Nicholas attends, on average, 2-3 therapies a week, payment for which I am immeasurably grateful my State provides disability Medicaid Waiver secondary funding, let alone all the co-pays for his seizure and other health-related tests and hospitalizations over the years.
Prioritize Self-Care
While juggling a demanding job and caring for a child with special needs, it’s easy to ignore our own well-being. But, as I’ve learned over my 22-year career, self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. Make time for you – whatever that means, for YOU. Maybe it’s exercise, taking regular vacations or staycations, or getting your nails done regularly (That’s me. I mean, I see my hands and nails the most at my computer daily, you know?). Writing these articles has proven to be one of the most professionally and personally rewarding and self-care-related actions I’ve had the opportunity to do, which has been a pleasant surprise.
Even small breaks throughout the day can make a big difference in managing stress. One of the most significant reliefs I received was hiring a house cleaning service two times a month. Consider a meal service, cleaning service, lawn service, or any other service that can remove tasks from your full plate.
Advocate for Yourself and Your Child
As lawyers and mothers, we’re well-versed in advocating for others – our clients and our children. Don’t forget to be your own advocate. As previously discussed, learn about the accommodations and resources available to help you balance your responsibilities. This might include requesting reasonable accommodations at work, community services for your child, or seeking legal advice for your family. Don’t hesitate to consult with a disability lawyer or special education attorney if needed.
Also, consider delegating advocacy to someone else in your child(ren)’s healthcare community, as difficult as giving up control may be for you (it sure is for me). One of the best things I did this past year was to sign an Authorization to permit one of my son’s healthcare providers to prepare and file the necessary appeal from the insurance denial of payment for a larger stroller/wheelchair, which insurance had previously approved five years ago. I could have done the appeal myself and, quite honestly, was nervous it wouldn’t be done correctly or successfully by anyone else (I wish I could see how many readers are nodding at this). However, it all worked out; the appeal was successful, and my son used his new, appropriately sized stroller/wheelchair to attend his first-ever NASCAR race just a couple of weeks ago. He’s loved to watch NASCAR on TV since he was a little boy but did not have the cognition or attention span to enjoy it in person until this year. It was very rewarding to see his happiness at the racetrack and knowing he had the equipment he needed to attend, without my having had to spend numerous hours securing the necessary medical verifications and drafting the requests to process the insurance appeal because I was able to acknowledge my limits, relinquish control, and trust someone else.
Seek Professional Guidance
Caring for a child with special needs while also pursuing a challenging career is overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to seek counseling or therapy for yourself. A professional counselor or therapist, especially one specializing in working with lawyers or parents of children with special needs, can provide strategies for coping with stress, maintaining focus, and finding balance.
Don’t Lose Sight of Your Professional Goals.
It can be easy to feel like you’re constantly putting out fires and never making progress in your career (again, I’d love to know how many readers are nodding). However, it’s important to remember that the tenacity, dedication, and drive that led us to become a lawyer and which keep us excelling and progressing in our legal careers despite the proven negative professional experiences of mothers of neurotypical children, let alone special needs children, also helps us navigate being the mother of a special needs child. Celebrate each small victory along the way – your personal and professional ones and your child’s personal ones – to maintain motivation. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or renegotiate your professional goals if circumstances change. Recognizing your limitations and setting boundaries is essential for any successful professional, especially for a woman lawyer raising a special needs child.
Being a woman lawyer with a special needs child is a tremendous burden, but it also strengthens our resilience, organization, creativity, and compassion. By embracing flexibility, building a solid support network, prioritizing self-care, advocating for us and our children, delegating tasks, seeking professional guidance, and staying committed to our goals, we can thrive both in and outside our careers. Finally, also remember that our dedication and strength also make us role models for other women navigating similar challenges, which can prove both rewarding and encouraging as we continue to navigate our own paths.
